


"I know of 65 ways to have you killed, and fourty seven of them are dead."

by FanFiction_Artist_Prototype



Series: Langst [3]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Bilingual Lance (Voltron), Child Soldiers, Child soldlier!Lance, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Langst, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 05:12:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14465757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanFiction_Artist_Prototype/pseuds/FanFiction_Artist_Prototype
Summary: Set in a future version of Earth, where as we know, Humans will never stop fighting. And so, many countries have resorted to child armies.A langst story about how with his history as a child soldier Lance acts around Voltron.





	1. Chapter 1

**(10 years ago)**

_”Mamá the truck is back!”_

_He remembered his mother’s face at the time. It’s usual rich tan had drained, she looked sickly as she pulled him away from the window forcefully and told him to go put Luis and Marco upstairs in Veronica’s, and to remember to lock the door before going to his own room._

_He’d done as told, locking his baby brothers in their older sisters room, making them promise him not to make a noise. He was used to this. The truck came round every few weeks, and his Mamá would make him hide Marco and Luis and then lock himself in his room. He didn’t really understand why, but he did it anyway. Only this time, he hadn’t gotten to his room quick enough._

_”We’ll take him ma’am.”_

_He remembered the sound of sheer horror leave his mother’s lips as the men in army uniforms marched up the stairs and grabbed him by the arm, pulling his seven year old body down the stairs. He tried to fight their grip, but after seeing the guns on their waists he stopped. He’d seen what those things could do._

_He remembered being allowed to hug his Mamá goodbye before being herded into the back of the truck where he was greeted by other kids. Some he knew, some he didn’t. Some were older, but nobody was younger than him by what he could tell, though there were some that were the same age. He heard more than saw his mother shout at the guards, tell them not to take him away. He didn’t see her after that._

_Ever._

_”Lance...what’s gonna happen to us?” The little girl from across the street, Cathy, held his arm like a life line and had tears in her eyes as she squeezed his arm suddenly when the truck his a bump in the road which jostled them all slightly. It was then that he had started to grow up._

_”I... I don’t know, it can’t be that bad though right? We’re only kids.”_

**How wrong he’d been.**

* * *

 

**(7 years ago)**

_He had never felt so tired. A lot had changed in three years, he trained day and most of the night, learnt things that he had never thought he would need to know and was surrounded by people he didn’t know._

_When he had first been brought to the base they had had rigorous tests performed on them:_

_The mental tests to learn if they had an aptitude for quick learning._

_The physical tests to find out if they were healthy enough to be trained._

_It had been a week of being stuck in a dormitory of sixteen other kids (both girls and boys) from Cuba. And by the end of it, only he and Cathy remained. They had been the only ones who had passed the test, the rest had been sent home. If he had known it meant going home Lance would of flunked the tests on purpose, but he hadn’t. He thought that he or his family would of gotten hurt so he had given it his all. He still regretted it._

_But now, he didn’t know anybody but Cathy - who had been separated into a girls dormitory. There were children from all over the world. Some from England, Russia, Tanzania, South Africa, Greenland, Peru etc. And it was so strange to think that people were okay with this. They were okay with children being taught the things they were._

_They were being taught how to fire a gun with accuracy, something Lance disgustingly, found he had a natural talent in. They were being taught how to wield a knife with deadly accuracy and how to plan and stratergise, again something Lance found he had a natural ability in._

_Right now he was cleaning his sniper rifle in the dormitory. There were a few kids younger than him in the dorms and he made it his job to look after them and make them feel better. He would sneak into the new candidate dorms and tell them how if they failed they could go home. After awhile they stopped bringing people._

_Lance had the bullets on his bed while he sat on the floor with a rag and gun lubricant in hand. Three years ago he would be pretending to shoot **finger guns** at Marco and Luis and now he was cleaning an actual gun like it was nothing new. He was ten years of age but felt like he was an adult already, they treated him like an adult anyway. Expected him to act like an adult as well._

_”Come on Lance! It’s dinner time! You know they won’t feed us if we miss it!”_

_It was one of the older boys, he reminded Lance of Veronica in a way, Asha if he remembered right, he was from an African country - Lance couldn’t remember which- and so his English had an accent to it. That was the thing, most people here were already bilingual but if you weren’t they made you speak English._

_Laying his gun on his bed, Lance let himself be dragged by the wrist to the dining hall, entering the hall with the other sixty four kids being trained at the base._

_”Cadet-45 please step forward to receive your food.” Moving forward to the hatch Lance collected his food and set off to his designated table. He would sit with Cathy if he could, but they didn’t want boys and girls mixing outside of free time which was a measly twenty minutes a week._

_Sitting down and digging into the disgusting faux mash potatoes Lance almost relished when the sirens started and the warning lights flashed red._

_**”This is a code red, all personnel please report to base entrance for support.”** _

* * *

**(3 years ago)**

_One month. That’s all they predicted they had until they would have to fight. The war had started four years ago, and was only progressively getting worse. It wasn’t against a specific country so all of Trident Squad would be going. All 67 of the child/teen soldiers._

_And Lance fit into the teenage part now. Fourteen and he was a soldier._

_He sat there on the plane, looking out at the war torn countryside of a place he couldn’t remember as their cargo place flew them to the headquarters of the side they were supporting. The governments of the world or course, not the terrorist group attacking them._

_They hit turbulence and Lance flinched slightly when he felt Cathy’s head land on his shoulder, she was really pretty now. But Lance knew he would never try and touch her, never mind let anybody else. She was beautiful in the way one looked at a wolf and said it was cute. In that innocent way that showed you had no understanding of how dangerous they actually were, though you did have some faint recollection of hearing how bad it was. Not to say Cathy wasn’t physically beautiful as well, because she was. Good lord she would of grown up to of been a model if not for all this mess._

_”Don’t look so smitten Lance, they might try and take her from you.” Glancing up from where he had subconsciously been studying Cathy he locked eyes with Asha and nodded. The African boys accent was nearly gone now, and he sounded like a typical American. Lance was lucky enough to still have his accent something that he was both envied and pitied for._

_”I don’t look that smitten do I?”_

_”You do my friend. But remember this. Do not be so in love you do not know when it is raining.”_

_Lance scrunched up his face in confusion. “What does that even mean?”_

_Asha let out a laugh, he would be seventeen soon. “I do not know. My mother used to tell me it when I was younger, did your mother never tell you anything like that?”_

_Lance let himself laugh. “Only to make sure to wash behind my ears before going to bed.” Both boys laughed, ignoring the fact that they would soon become professional trained killers and let themselves be best friends, and brothers._

* * *

**(3 years ago)**

_”Go go go!”_

_Lance ran behind the others, jumping out info the cargo copter and ran into the under bush as soon as he could see it. When there, he adjusted his gun and looked at his squad. Him, Asha, Cathy, Jim (an English boy), Natalia (a Russian girl) and Alex (a girl from Greece). Asha as the oldest was in charge and he pulled up his mouth guard - which acted as both an identity concealer and a gas mask- which they all copied and made the motions for them to follow him._

_They did, and they walked straight into a blood bath._

* * *

 

**(Now)**

Shooting up in bed, sweat drenching his shirt, Lance clambered about trying to escape the sounds of gun shots and the screams of his friends.

_”Alex, Natalia, Jim you take the right, me, Cathy and Lance will take the left!”_

_They nodded and began to sneak up on the enemy camp. It would be a simple hit and run. They could still see each other, but the enemy couldn’t. Cathy had looked back for just one second and winked at him before stepping forward onto the mine. They hadn’t been told about mines, but when Cathy stepped on one, the other set off as well._

_Screams, gun shots, crying. Lance was in the middle of it all, using his sniper level skills to shoot enemy combatants through the thick haze and smog created by explosions, while also dragging back an unconscious Asha, Cathy was dead, she was dead the second her foot stepped on the pat mine and there was nothing he could do about that. He had to get Asha out at least. The radio was almost silent, Jim wasn’t answering, but Alex and Natalia’s screams of frustration could be heard as well as a mix of Greek and Russian drifting through over the sound of their gun fire._

Finally getting out of bed, Lance tumbled to the ground with a large thump. The sounds wouldn’t stop. He just needed them to stop. Grabbing the pillow off of his bed he pushed his face into it and gave a muffled scream out loud, in an attempt that he could shut the noises up if he was just that little bit louder. And it worked. Because they were gone a short while later. They were gone thank god.

* * *

 

**(Now)**

”Good job team, let’s head back to the lions and head home.”

Shiro’s voice sounded muffled through his comm link. Lance could feel his hands shake as his Bayard clattered to the floor. He looked behind him and at the disaster left in his wake. Nothing living. But the robots seemed so... so _sentient_ and that made it just as bad. He’d killed humans before so why was this bothering him. This wasn’t even his first war for Quiznack sake, why was he reacting like this now. So maybe he had been having therapy sessions at the Garriosn for his PTSD and maybe the withdrawal from the anti-depressants that they’d given him was making it worse.

”Lance? You okay there buddy? You comin’ or what?”

”Yeah, I’m coming, give me a minuet.”

Shutting off his radio he allowed himself one tiny little whimper at looking at the destruction his dirtied hands could make, before he turned it back on and made his way through the mess of broken robots back to his lion, where Blue tried and failed to stop him from shaking like a new leaf in the spring showers.

* * *

 

**(Now)**

”Wow Shiro! That was fantastic!” Lance agreed with Hunk, Shiro’s tactics in hand to hand combat were improving, reaching military level at that.

”Yeah, with your arm I bet you could take on an entire army!” He flinched slightly at Pidge’s statement. No offence to Shiro, but he didn’t have it in him to kill a human, Pidge was wrong.

”Watch out, looks like we have our next Trident until right here.” That made him snap. Keith had crossed a line.

”Don’t you think so Lan-“

** “Do you think that’s fucking funny?” **

They froze at his icy tone and Lance really couldn’t care. The team turned round to face him, and he could tell they zeroed in on his shaking fists, he raised his voice this time, “I SAID! DO YOU THINK THAT’S FUCKING FUNNY!? WELL GO ON! TELL US KEITH WHAT YOU FiND SO FUCKING FUNNY ABOUT A GROUP OF SIXTY FIVE CHILDREN AND TEENS FIGHTING A WAR!”

He could feel the tears going down his face now. Hunk tried to consol him, taking a step forward and speaking in a soothing tone, “Buddy, I know that we’re  in a similar situation, but Keith didn’t mean anything bad about it.”

”Fuck off.”

That shocked them again, and he could see the hurt in Hunk’s face, but he didn’t care, how dare he defend that bastard when he when he...didn’t know.

Pidge was up in his face next, lunging for him and it was instinct. He didn’t mean to hurt her!

When she leapt at him, arms out, Lance had gripped one of her wrists, catching her off guard mid air and pulling her arm behind her back and kicking her knees out from under her, so that she was trapped on her knees with both arms trapped behind her back.

”Lance! Ow! Lance stop you’re hurting me!”

_Shit what was he doing!?_

Letting Pidge go and stumbling back, actually falling onto his backside, Lance curled in on himself, oh god, he’d hurt somebody. Somebody that he cared about. What was wrong with him.

”Shiro! Don’t! What if he-“ Keith.

”He didn’t mean it Keith! He let go as soon as I said it hurt!” Pidge.

He could hear footsteps and tried to scoot back. No, no,no. He didn’t want to hurt anybody!

”Lance, lance buddy look at me, what’s wrong?”

He looked up from his knees and saw Shiro face to face with him.

”You want to know what’s wrong?” His voice was nothing but a croak and filled with pessimism.

”Well then take a long hard look.” He rolled his jacket and shirt sleeve up to reveal his right wrist, showing the Black Paladin the tattoo Lance had gotten when he was Seven.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance’s loss of professional support is taking its toll on him, and the team begin to realise that it’s much worse than they first thought.

( **Now** )

”You don’t get it, he- he looked so scared yet so emotionless at the same time when he grabbed Pidge and I-“

”Lance did what!?”

”No no no! He didn’t go to attack Pidge! Pidge lunged at him-“

”Shiro! Start from the quiznacking beginning!”

The Black Paladin and the Princess we’re stood on the bridge, Lance had hoped nobody would be there so that he could look at Earth and just talk, to his Mamá like he usually did. He hadn’t seen her for most of his life and when he finally came home he found out she thought he was dead. And now he was gone again...

He stood in the doorway to the bridge, but deciding that the two wouldn’t be finished with the room any time soon, made his way to his room. He couldn’t even bring himself to apologise to Hunk or Pidge, he was so drained and he didn’t know why.

**(4 years ago)**

” _Bomb!” The shrill whistle of the bomb flying through the air alerted them before the shouting. But all the same, they threw themselves as far away as possible, tucking up and protecting the face and back of the neck. They could afford to go lose a leg, not complete loss of movement or senses though._

_”Clear!”_

_They all stood up now, Asha walked over to him and rubbed his unkempt hair. “Hey.” It was tired and half-hearted. They’d been doing the same drill for the past three hours, and that clear meant they were finally done. Lance attempted to swat the African boys hands away._

_”You had dirt in your hair, don’t swat at me. Or would you like me to have Justin teach you about hair care again?”_

_“Noooo. Anything but that.” It was drawn out, not only from his childish tone but also from the utter exhaustion that was spreading through Lance’s body now that he had a moment to think about it properly._

_”Come on then.” A muscled arm was wrapped around Lance’s shoulder and he was pulled into Asha’s side as they walked together to the lunch hall, Lance saw Asha as his older brother this wasn’t anything strange. “I just want to sleep, preferably on Cathy’s bed. Why are the girls beds so much nicer than ours?”_

_A chuckle came from his best friend as they sat down, waiting for their number to be called up. “How often do you sneak into her bed?”_

_”Only like, twice a week.” Lance was joking of course. If he’d been in the girls only dormitory twice. Both times being when all the girls were awake and okay with him being there. “But I’m telling you, the beds are softer and I didn’t feel any mini knives disguised as springs digging into me.”_

_”Cadet-45 please come up and collect your rations.”_

_Moving from his seat quickly, Lance made his way to the hatch and meandered through the other cadets to reach his seat next to Asha. “Lance...I have a question for you.” It was whispered and it was very clear, not to be over headed. By the guards on the doors or by their fellow captives he wasn’t sure._

_”I was wanting to ask if you knew where one would acquire...” he dropped his voices volume even more and Lance giggled childishly at what Asha was asking him for, he was thirteen, why would he know where to find that?_

_”Can’t help you there mi amigo.” Lance froze and his eyes skirted around trying to see if anybody had seen his slip up. He wasn’t allowed to speak Spanish anymore. He wasn’t supposed to speak anything but English since he was seven. But he refused to not speak Spanish to the other Spanish speaking kids. It was their language and they would keep it alive. Just like kids who spoke European languages would speak to each other in their native tongue after hours. Trident wanted them bilingual, their native language and English (and in some cases those two were the same so the person wasn’t bilingual.) but in the end you knew nearly twenty different languages from listening to various different boys in his dorm._

_”Lance, relax. Nobody heard but the guards are staring. Pretend I just said a joke or something.”_

_He did as he was told and started to let out fake happy laughter, rocking slightly with false laughter to give the impression that he had just understood a very rude or complicated joke. The guards looked away and he stopped laughing, leaning back in to whisper once again with Asha._

_“There you go bud. We’re safe right? Just make sure to keep a check on what’s coming out of your mouth.”_

_“Don’t I always?” He leant back, just barley ignoring the nervous looks from the other boys on the table. Nobody wanted to draw attention from the guards, he knew that, but staring at him wasn’t going to help anybody. “What are you lookin’ at.” The younger kids looked away, the older ones shooting back their own glares before looking back at their rations._

_“Cool it sharpshooter.” He deflated at the nickname, Asha had started calling him that when he was eight, a year after learning how to fire a gun and he had already set the - yet to be beaten - records for accuracy._

_“You starting trouble Lancey Lance?” He resisted the urge to shriek when a voice suddenly spoke in his ear. A cackle sounded from the little boy who sat on the bench behind Lance, his black hair tickling Lances neck as he wrapped his arms around Lance’s shoulders and leant his head on one._

_“Nathanial, what have I told you about doing that!?” He whisper shouted to the French boy who’s accent had yet to leave him. He was one of the last to arrive at the facility, only here for two years so far, he was ten now. A giggle left the boy as he hugged Lance from behind. “Not to do it?”_

_“And what did you just do?”_

_“Do it?”  
Asha snickered next to him, the older boy catching onto the potential innuendo that Nathanial was far to young and innocent to even consider. “Shut up pervert.”_

( **Now** )

“Lance, you in there bud?”

Why did Hunk have to use that word? He hadn’t apologised to him yet, he knew he should, but his head was such a mess he knew he would mess it up.

“Lance, you have to open the door soon. Pidge is talking about getting in through the vents and I don’t want us to invade your privacy like that.”

Pidge wouldn’t be able to get in anyway, he’d sealed off his air vents after the Galra infiltration on Arus, he wasn’t taking any chances. But, he knew he had to get up, he had to apologise to his friends. They hadn’t known. He was an ass, but...he just...he just didn’t want those memories in his head but he didn’t want to forget them at all.

“Lance? Lance are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

He could hear the sigh of relief leave Hunk as he came closer to the door. “Give me a tick.” He muttered opening the door, the whoosh of the advanced technology being a familiar reminder that nothing here was familiar. Hunk looked terrible, Lance noticed that right away. Sleep deprived, a little tear stained at that, and his hands had bandages on them. Probably from oven burns, Hunk always stress baked. He also had the tendency to have shaky hands when he was worried.

“You hurt yourself.” It was a blunt statement and he could see Hunk’s face fall slightly. “Yeah, you know me,” He smiled again and started to wave his hands around in that way that only Hunk did when he was nervous, “Shaky hands and stress baking don’t mix. Got a few burns, nearly dropped a gear into the castle’s reactor as well. The mice don’t really like me right now.”

Lance let a small laugh out, “Do you need help with the burns?” An eyebrow was raised at him, before Hunk gave him a smile and shuck his head. “Dude, you don’t have to look after me. I came to make sure you were still you know, alive and kicking.” Hunk’s face fell as he realised what he said: “Lance, sorry I didn’t- I didn’t mean to phrase it like that-”

“Hunk, it’s fine. I’m not a piece of glass, it didn’t bother me before you knew, why would now be any different?”

“B-because we know! And you shouldn’t have anything to remind you of what you went through Lance! You were a kid, a kid Lance! When was the last time you saw your family!?”

A wide smile came to his face now, Hunk would always be Hunk. The guy with a heart as big as his stomach and the paternal instincts of a great grandfather.  
“Hunk, bud, I know you care. And that’s great it really is. But I saw my Mamá on all the breaks remember? I’ve been back with my family.”

Lance hated that he flinched When Hunk pulled him into a bear hug, but pushed through his discomfort and hugged his best friend back just as hard and laughed when he felt the tears hitting his head. “You big goof! Why are you crying?”

“I’m not crying Lance! There is a lot of space dust in your room and it’s coming into the hallway and into my eye!”  
Patting Hunk’s back, Lance let himself relax. “Whatever you say buddy.”

( **12 years ago** )

_He’d been five when his Papi had left._

_He was going to help people, his mother had told him, and he would be back soon. He wasn’t. Luis and Marco were three when their dad died, he was five and Veronica was eight. His Mamá was on her own with four children in a war torn world._

_It didn’t make sense at the time, but sitting there watching on the news as the lady spoke in quick, worried Spanish about how a group that referred to itself as the Hijam had waged war on the governments of the world. Nobody knew where they came from, nobody knew who they were. All anybody knew was that the world needed soldiers and it needed them now._

_He was sat on the couch, holding Marco and Luis to his chest as they watched some sort of Cartoon, when he heard the knock on the door. “Mamá someone’s at the door!”  
His mother walked out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on the apron she always wore around her waist and hurrying to the door with a quick call of thanks over her shoulder._

_“Hõla?”  
“Ma’am.”_

_Lance saw the soldiers before he heard his mother shouting at them to get out of the house. They were tall, dressed in all black and had guns, lots of guns. He didn’t realise the threat at the time, he just knew his Mamá was distressed and that guns were dangerous. So he pulled Luis and Marco closer to him, glancing at the soldiers in the living room timidly._

_“They’re too young.” And then they were gone, leaving the house and rumbling down the street in that big truck that would become a common occurance._

_“Mamá what did they mean?”  
His mother had looked so sad, but she hid her tears behind a strong smile, and asnwered him. “They mean Mijo, that the world has gone to a very dark place.”_

_“But-“_  
“We’re not to discuss this again.”  
That had been the end of that. It wasn’t discussed again, only that when the truck pulled up they had to hide.

( **Now** )

“Lance!”  
Lance simply smiled, expecting it this time, and opened his arms for Pidge when the smaller girl glommped him. “I am so so so sorry! I didn’t know and-“  
“Pidge it’s fine!”

Regaining his balance, Lance placed the girl back on the floor, but didn’t manage to remove her arms so resigned himself to letting her hug him.  
“I was going to get into your room through the vents if Hunk didn’t get you out soon!”

Laughing, Lance allowed himself to enjoy being with his friends. “I know, Hunk told me. You realise that wouldn’t work though right? You’ve sat at your desk for so long I’d be surprised if you could actually stand crawling for so long.”  
The green Paladin slapped his arm playfully. “Are you calling me out of shape!?”

“And if I am?”

“Why you!”

Pidge started to tickle him and it sent Lance into a fit of giggles, wriggling about trying to get free while also tickling her back.

“Hunk help!” Hey both froze looking at the other, realising what they had said at the same time and breaking down into another fit of giggles with Hunk’s laughter following theirs.   
Pulling apart Lance wiped a few stray tears from his eyes. He hadn’t laughed that much in so long and the two other Paladins in the room with him were as close as his siblings were.

Looking around the green lions hanger, Lance wondered over to the table Pidge had previously been slaving under, the other two following behind. Pidge ran ahead and started explaining a bunch of things about her new project, getting more excited as she continued. Lance was paying attention, but he took a few moments to examine the hanger. He’d been in here many times, just, he’d never taken the time to actually appreciate the clutter that Pidge called order.

“How do you even live with this Pidge?” She stopped mid rant and tilted her head in confusion. “I mean seriously, I think the only place with more clutter is your room. How do you think poor Green feels.”

The younger girl stuck her tongue out at him, “Me and green are perfectly happy in our organised chaos.”

“Yeah Lance,” Hunk stood next to Pidge, crossing his arms and giving him the same faux serious expression that Pidge was. “Go complain to your own Lion.”

“Like Blue would let me, you know she gets mad jealous.”

They all laughed again. They stayed in the hanger for a little bit longer, before it came to the time that they went for food, walking out of the hanger Lance wrapped his arm around Pidge’s shoulder, bringing her into a headlock. Causing laughter and smiles to be shared between the three as Hunk only watched them mess around.

( **3 years ago** )

“ _Wake up! Asha wake up damnit!”  
He shuck the African boys shoulders, his buzz cut hair was drenched from a head wound that needed treatment and he was losing too much blood from various other wounds that Lance couldn’t see yet. They had retreated, Cathy and Jim were dead, MIA at best. Natalia and Alex were bleeding in various places, but giving out fire while Lance focused on using what limited medical supplies they had to keep their team leader alive. He didn’t even want to think of what he was like._

_A gasp caught his attention as Asha slammed up right, clutching the grass und whipping around his head. “(Where are we!?)” Lance didn’t understand him right away, before realising he was speaking Swahili. “We’re on the mission remember,” The realisation hit the older boy as he took notice of the gun fire in the background and the absence of two of their team mates. “Where, they… they aren’t-“_

_“Cathy and Jim are MIA, Cathy was the one to step on the mine, we think she’s dead. You- you have to get up okay. We’re retreating, Asha I need you to focus, come on!”  
He hated it, but he slapped the injured boy across the face, removing the glaze from his eyes. “Come on Asha! Pull yourself together! We have to get to safety, I don’t know how many bullets we have left and they’re approaching quickly!”_

_“Shit! Come on you two we have to go! We’re losing ground.” Looking back at Alex he nodded and pulled Asha’s arm around his neck and hoisted him up. “Wrap your gun around my neck, we’re going.” Natalia and Alex nodded, hurrying over to him, Alex took Asha off of him and Lance stayed behind a few paces and turned, pulling the scope up on his rifle._

_“Lance hurry up!”_

_“Give me a second!” He had two bullets left in the chamber. The leader of this unit was right there and then there was a barrel of oil next to one of the trucks not to far off._

_“Lance!”_

_“Give me a fucking second!”  
Aligning the cross hares on the leaders forehead he fired, not even checking to see if he hit his target before moving over to the barrel and shot it, before lowering his gun and running away, feeling the heat on his back and hearing the screams._

_Served the bastards right._

( **Now** )

Lance hated the way the happy laughter ended when they entered the dining room. Shiro, Keith, Allura and Coran were all staring at him like he was going to attack them at any second. A heavy hand on his head, ruffling his hair, broke Lance’s concentration on the stares as Hunk pushed him playfully towards his seat next to Pidge.

“I’ll go get food, Pidge try not bore them with your new project.”

“Hey!”  
Lance couldn’t help but laugh, though it was a bit melancholy, if things were like this between them at the Garrison they might of actually been able to stick a landing.

“So like I was saying before, I found out how the Galra virus managed to make the zero-G thing happen and I could incorporate it into the training deck we could practice zero-G combat! Isn’t that sweet!?” Lance could only sit there and smile at Pidge, it was nice to see her get so excited about stuff like that and he had to admit it would be fun.

Lowering his voice slightly, not so that the others couldn’t hear him, he conspired with Pidge: “Or we could put it on the Bridge and scare them shit less at random.”  
With glasses glinting a smile fit for the trolling gremlin that she was, Pidge nodded and the two Paladins shuck hands on it.

“What are you two planning?” Glancing over at Coran the older Altean was squinting at them, sceptical of their innocence. “Nothing.”

Pulling his moustache Coran raised an eyebrow sceptically at them, but they only returned the look with big bright smiles.  
“I see you’re feeling better Lance.” Letting his casual expression, a small smile, come to his face he turned to Shiro and nodded, he did feel better, Hunk and Pidge made sure of that.

“Yeah. Just needed to clear my head.”

Keith and Allura had yet to interact with him, but, he couldn’t blame them. Allura thought she and Coran were the only ones involved in war, it must of been a shock to find out one of the goofiest Paladins was a war veteran.

“That’s good, my doors always open if you need it sharpshooter. Remember that.” He winced at the nickname slightly, hoping it didn’t show he thanked Shiro and gave a quick smile to Allura who he knew had been staring at him for the entire time he was in the room.

“Food’s ready! Who’s ready for food goo Alamodome?”

**(3 years ago)**

“ _Cadet-45, Cadet-05, Cadet-56 And Cadet-66 explain to me why you were spotted and failed to reach the check point.”_

_Lance kept his head down, Commander was a scary man with a thick Texan accent and even thicker muscles. He was in charge of the program that had snatched Lance away from his family and the only reason he hadn’t killed the man was because he was far too scared of who would replace him._

_“Cadet-46 stepped on a mine sir, we weren’t informed of that sir, the explosion set off a chain of them exploding, alerting the enemy to our location. Cadet-05 was caught up in the explosion, and as team leader he’s team leader we decided that his life was too important to lose. Cadet-46 and Cadet-32 are MIA sir, with 46 being presumed dead.”_

_Lance felt like a robot, explaining everything and using numbers in place of his friends names. Cathy and Jim were dead, if the mine and ensuing short battle hadn’t killed them, then the explosion Lance set off surely would of done it. That sent a shiver down his spine, he could of killed Cathy and Jim. He didn’t know Jim that well and now, with no chance to, he regretted it._

_“Very well. You’ll receive no punishment this time, we’ll put it down to an information error, you should of been informed of the mines locations and equipped with a holomap by the regiment you were working with.”_

_Asha stood forawrd, he was apart of the original five cadets so he had superiority as well as permission to look Commander in the eye. “We were t given anything sir, just given our weapons and told to leave the cargo copter with the other soldiers. We were told the location, but not given a map.”_

_“How were you able to find your way back to this base then?”_

_“Cadet-56 used her tracking skills to find the checkpoint. Which we did reach sir, and we did log with the officer there that we reached it. They sent us back here to receive medical treatment. Sir.”_

_Commander’s face grew clouded and Lance froze, seeing his jaw tense. The other trainers had no qualms about hitting the cadets when angry, who knew how he would react._

_“Damn bastards. Alright, get yourselves back to your rooms, depending on your injuries we’ll see about sending you back into the field, they killed my cadets, and I ain’t gonna let that go. You may be soldiers, but y’all are still kids, and ain’t nobody worth a damn gonna let the fact they willingly left children in a hostile environment with less equipment than an adult go.”_

_It shocked Lance, to be honest, nobody had referred to them as children in so long and here was the man in charge of this whole fucked up thing, and getting angry at other people for letting them go in unprepared._

_“Get some sleep kids.”_

( **Now** )

Eating the food goo in silence wasn’t really unusual in the castle, but for it to be an awkward silence was rather unusual. Lance had a feeling it was because of him, but ignored it and just went along eating his food. Hunk had a gift he would give him that.  
“Dude,” he set down his spoon and leant his elbow on the table as he looked at Hunk, “Why did you even go to the Garrison!? You should of gone to culinary school! How do you even make food goo taste nice?”

The Samoan boy smiled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his neck, “Man, that’s really nice and all but I still think I’m better suited to a mechanics life.”  
Pidge patted Hunk’s arm in solidarity. “He’s too sensitive for the kitchen, god Lance.”

Quirking an eyebrow up he teased right back. “Oh yeah? Well it didn’t seem that   
way when he went all Gordon Ramsey in the space mall.”

A cough broke his fun ‘glaring’ contest with Hunk and Pidge and he looked over to Allura who had an expression, that made him sit upright at once. That expression showed exhaustion and agitation.

“Yes Princess?”  
“After dinner I want you to come with me Lance, me and a Coran would like to have a talk with you.”

Swalllowing the lump in his throat, Lance could only nod. It wouldn’t be too bad, they’d probably just want to talk to him about what he went through and he would be fine with that! Yeah! He would, just like a mini therapy session right?

“ _Why didn’t you warn me Lance?”_

_“It’s your fault I’m dead. I thought we were friends! But it looks like you replaced me pretty quickly.”_

He tried to ignore her voice, Cathy had been dead for three years, he’d heard her voice for those three years; it wouldn’t break him now.

“ _You can’t ignore me Lance. I know you, I know everything about you.”_

_“How many lives have you stolen Lance? You stole mine, so you have no problem with it.” He flinched slightly, gazing down at his plate. He hadn’t heard Jim’s voice in a long time._

_A giggle. “Lancey~ Come on Lance! Your promised me you would look after me! Your promised! **WHY DID YOU LET ME DIE!?** ” Out of every person he’d seen or known who died, why did it have to be little Nathanial._

“Please excuse me, I need to go to my room.” Standing up from his seat, Lance realised Shiro was in the middle of saying something, but he didn’t care. The voices needed to stop. He just needed to get to his room and scream into his pillow. He’d be louder and they would leave for now.

“Lance are you okay?”

“ _Why did you get to live? Huh! What makes you so special!?”_

“Lance? You’re shaking, what’s wrong?”

“ _It’s not fair! I had a baby brother and sister to go home to, you didn’t even care did you Lance!? You didn’t even cry!”_

“Shut up.”

“Lance?”

“I said shut up!”

The room went silent and he looked up, when had he started crying? Everybody was staring at him, Shiro was stood up, looking like he was going to comfort him. Pidge and Hunk were on either side of him and Keith, Allura and Coran were staring gaping mouths.

“I-I didn’t mean it to you I just- I…”

“ _You can’t say you hear the voices of dead people Lance, they’ll known, they’ll know it’s your fault~”_

“I-I’m sorry...I-“

“Pidge, Hunk take Lance to the bridge please.”  
Allura’s face was stone cold. And it seemed, so was her heart.

( **3 years ago** )

“ _You’re going back out!?” Lance sat on the edge of Asha’s hospital bed, he was far worse than Lance had first assessed._

_Three broken ribs, a fractured wrist and ankle as well as head trauma that would keep him in bed for the next few weeks. The older boy tried to sit up, but Lance pushed him back down by his shoulder gently. “The doctors told you to rest, don’t strain yourself.”_

_The angry expression on his ‘brothers’ face didn’t leave even as he begrudgingly lay back down. “They’re not even giving you time to mourn?” He swallowed, How was he supposed to explain to him?_

_“They have. They, managed to find all of Cathy’s...body parts. I had to identify the body, they let me cry. And- and I found out what happened to Jim.” Asha looked so hopeful and it made Lance feel sick to his stomach. “He didn’t die during the mines explosions.” Oh god his face went so bright, “He died in the second explosion.”_

_Asha’s face went dark. “You’re explosion?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“I’ll fucking kill Commander the next time I see him.”_

_“What?”_

_“You think I’m going to blame you? Lance, Jim knew what he was doing, we all did. And I’m not saying he should of gotten out I’m not, but you did what you had to do. Do not blame yourself. We have plenty of pranks to blame on you anyway. You don’t need anymore baggage.”_

_He tried to let out a laugh, but he hadn’t done so in so long that it came out more like a cough then an actual laugh, “I’ll have you know my emotional baggage is Pravda baggage.”_

_“It’s fake Pravda, Lance. Fake Pravda.”_

_“Bastard.”_

_“Arsehole.”_

_“Dickwad.”_

_“Dummy.”_

_“Goof.”_

_“Idiot.”_

_“Crazy.”_

_“I can’t think of anything else.” Asha relaxed into the pillow behind him._

_“So do Alex and Natalia know? They were closer.”_

_No. They didn’t._

_“Yeah, I told them before.”_

_He couldn’t bring himself to tell Asha they’d been put in a medical coma. They might not wake up. It was all his fault. Why hadn’t he seen the mine? Looking back on it now, he’d noticed the uneven ground, why hadn’t he said anything?_

( **Now** )

“Lance, I need you to calm down. I need you to breathe, breath Lance. Listen to my breathing and copy. In...out. In..out.”

He watched through glazed eyes as Pidge kneeled infront of his shaking form and tried to calm him down from his panic attack. The voices had left him now, stupid, stupid brain. He knew they weren’t real, he knew it wasn’t his fault. But no, PTSD didn’t allow that logic to work.

He could feel his breathing slow, but the tears wouldn’t stop making it a slower process than it should of been. “Shush...Lance you’re okay. That’s good bud, Pidge keep him breathing slowly. I’m still trying to figure out how to work the star map.”

Lance managed to get his breathing steady enough that he could comfortably uncurl himself, Pidge moving to hug him and when she pulled back flicked his forehead. “Don’t worry us like that Lance.” He could only nod. Pidge helped him stand up as he made his way over to the consol next to Hunk and pressed one button, sending the star map straight up, making Hunk laugh sheepishly.

“Oh. I knew that.”

Smiling at his friend, he stood there and watched them start talking to him about the constellations, they were far more observant that they gave them credit for, they both knew he came to the stars when he was stressed. That’s why they were the brains of the operation.

“Lance, are you feeling alright now?”  
Looking back at Allura, who entered the Bridge with Coran behind her, he gave a small smile and nodded. He was calm now, but she probably didn’t believe him, after all he said he was feeling better and then proceeded to have a panic attack/mental breakdown.

“I want to talk with you about what’s going on with you. Shiro has informed me that you have been in war before,” she placed a delicate hand on his shoulder, “And for that, I am sorry, no person never mind a child should face war.”

“Funny, that’s been said to me before.”

“Then I’m sure they were a very smart individual.”

“Stillis, as far as I know of Princess.”

 

 


End file.
